Diary
by Fantony
Summary: Ban and Ginji hardly speak to each other anymore. That's when Ban remembers the diary Ginji once gave him and decides to confide his pain and doubts in it... Ban X Ginji
1. Chapter 1

_Ban and Ginji hardly speak to each other anymore. That's when Ban remembers the diary Ginji once gave him and decides to confide his pain and doubts in it... Ban X Ginji_

I don't know yet whether i'll continue this story or not!

Please bear in mind I'm French so my English is far from perfect!!

Also bear in mind that I do not own the Get Backers, unfortunately! :-D

**September 5th**

Well, that's how it's supposed to work, isn't it? Writing down the date, and talking to "You". Telling "You" how I feel, telling "You" all the little things that punctuate my meaningless existence… Gee, that sounds pretty stupid… But I can't think of any other way to relieve my pain. "You" will not exist anywhere out of the contact of my pen with your soft green pages. "You" will never answer my questions. "You" will never reason with me. "You" will never cheer me up and make me feel better. "You" will never make me want to be a better person. "You" will never make me feel alive. "You" will never be the puzzle piece that completes me. "You" will never be "Him". The guy who's got the power to make my life either a happy time or a complete mess. Amano Ginji. The Lightning Emperor, as they call him.

Do you know he's the one who gave "you" to me? That was an eternity ago. In another life maybe. Limitless Fortress. That's where my life changed. He always said I'd saved him. I used to believe it too. Bollocks. He's the one who saved me, but now I wish I'd never met his eyes...

Sometime later, he gave me that notebook full of empty pages, "You", and told me that "you" could be useful somehow. I could tell "you" anything, "you" wouldn't tell anyone. It would be "our" secrets. Lovey-dovey Ginji. He'd smiled fondly when he'd seen the flabbergasted look on my face. "What?" he'd asked, "I know you're hiding a lot inside your heart, Ban-chan. About your past. Just write down everything that comes to your mind in this diary and you'll sure feel better. I know too well how it feels like to keep all your pain and joy for yourself and it's nothing good. I've got the same notebook but it's nearly full now, it's always helped me a lot. And stop looking at me as if I was a complete dumbass!"

The little bugger… Of course, he's not a complete dumbass. I just like to pretend he is, but he's much wiser than people may think and he's got the intelligence of the heart, which I've never had.

I had kept "you" for all that time. Never felt like using "you" but never wanted to get rid of "you" neither. Who would have believed I'd have written to "you" one day? The cold-hearted Midoban turning into a sentimental prat. Not me. I didn't need "you". Why would have I needed "you" when I had him? He was everything I needed. But I've lost him now. If it wasn't for that stupid pride of me, I would tell "you" about all the tears I've been crying over him lately. He doesn't know. No one knows. Well, now "you" do, but that doesn't make any change, does it?

It's gonna be a long sleepless night again in the Subaru, alone, and "you" can't do anything about that. Stupid thing! I don't even know why I started writing to "you" in the first place. I suppose I'd better throw you away.


	2. Chapter 2

**September 5****th****.**

Dear diary,

I know I haven't written to you for quite a while but I need to talk. I don't know what's up with Ban-chan these days. He's been acting all weird for about a week. I'd even say he tries to avoid me! Well, we haven't talked much for a few days actually. Been pretty busy lately and I've been out nearly every evening. Maybe I should try and spend more time with him.

Gee! I feel guilty now! You should have seen his face today! He looked so tired. I bet he didn't sleep a wink last night. I wonder what can worry him like that. I tried to look into his eyes - I've known him for so long I can almost read his mind when looking at him straight in the eye - but he pushed his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose and I didn't manage to meet his eyes.

You should know by now I care a great deal about him. I'd actually give my life for him. I feel bad when he feels bad. I'm happy when he is. He's a part of me and will always be. I just can't explain.

Sure he can be really harsh to me sometimes, but I don't care. I know he's hiding a heart of gold inside him but many people hate him because they can't see that. They don't understand him. Where people see a cold and arrogant prat, I see the sweetest man on Earth.

I tried to talk to him this afternoon, but he ignored me and purposely talked to Natsumi instead. I really had a lump in my throat and had to fight the tears. I hate it when there's such a distance between us. And I hate myself for having created it in the first place.

Seeing as his face fell the other day when I told him I would be out that night and therefore wouldn't sleep with him in the car, I should have known he was somehow disappointed. Maybe he just doesn't like to be on his own after all. It's hard to say with him. I don't know if he cares about me as much as I do about him, but I know he cares a great deal still, much more than anyone did ever care about me, though he would never admit it.

Or it could be something worse, something he doesn't want to tell me. What can worry him so much and make him crawl back into his shell?

That, I'll just have to find out! I can't stand the fact we barely speak to each other! I need him back!


	3. Chapter 3

**September 6****th****. **

Yeah, well, I know. I'd said I wouldn't write anymore, but hey! I've nothing better to do with my time anyway.

I wandered the streets all day and went to the Honky Tonk this evening. Ginji wasn't there. I don't know if I was disappointed or relieved about that. He was out with that Kyoko girl, they said. Cinema. The simple fact of writing down that silly girl's name makes me want to kill someone. I should have known better the day I accepted the job she was offering us. She fell for Ginji at the first sight. Who wouldn't? Kind, funny, endearing, courageous, pretty Ginji. He's everything a girl would want. A girl. So why is it I felt like burning alive when I saw him kissing her for the first time a week ago? Why did I start to hate her when she hadn't done anything to me? Everything was ok between us before she came along and made a complete mess of us. We were the best of friends, we were the Get Backers, with a "S". I looked after him, and he looked after me and that was that. We were sufficient unto ourselves and the World may as well have stopped spinning around, we wouldn't have cared as long as we had each other. That was how it was supposed to be. And now… The "S" seemed to have disappeared.

Hevn came around and told me that as she hadn't seen us today, she'd given the job she wanted to offer us to Monkey-Boy. Shit. I'm broke and could have done with a bit of money. Fortunately enough, Natsumi had given me slices of her pizza which had made Paul raise an eyebrow.

"Looks like your dear friend is taking some holidays and that you are temporary unemployed," Hevn teased.

I shrugged and sighed with exasperation.

Then a familiar tall black silhouette appeared in the door frame. Kurodo Akabane. If there was someone I really didn't want to see today, that was him. The guy just gets on my nerves. As if his presence wasn't already enough, he sat at my table. That was just my luck! At first I didn't look at him, but I could feel his gaze on me and after a minute, it started to irritate me. A lot.

"Are you gonna stare at me like that all evening, you freak? Tell me what you want or piss off!" I snarled.

"My word, Mido! Are we feeling a bit nervous, tonight?" He smirked and lifted up his hat a little, so that I could see his sly eyes staring at me.

I tensed but ignored him.

"Missing something? Or rather someone, maybe?"

Bastard! I gritted my teeth and clenched my fits beneath the table. He blinked maliciously.

"I love it so much whenever you or Ginji get annoyed, I can feel the taste of your anger in the power you unconsciously release and I must admit it tastes… delicious!"

The man is a psychopath. I've never had any doubt about that.

"Has it got something to do with that pretty girl he spends all his time with?"

I bent over the table, grabbed him by his tie and lifted him up. I was itching to use the Snake-bite.

"Fuck off, Jackal!" I snapped at him.

His thin lips curled into a smile.

"Looks like I can't"

His shoulders slightly shook in laughter. I looked at him disdainfully and released my grip. He readjusted his tie and made his way to the door.

"Shame! I was only starting to enjoy myself…" He whispered without turning back. "I'll see you soon, Mido!"

The others had apparently watched the entire scene and all eyes were on me. No one spoke.

"What the fuck? What do you all have tonight? Don't you have better things to do than staring at me?" I screamed.

I got up and slammed the door when I left. May they all rot in Hell. And Ginji as well. It's nearly 1.00 am, and the little fool hasn't shown himself yet. And here I am, alone in the car, writing again by streetlight light. How sad is that? Seven pages already. I really feel pity for myself.


	4. Chapter 4

**September 7th.**

Dear Diary,

I feel like I could destroy anything tonight. I'm so angry!!

This afternoon, I was on my way to Kyoko's place. Oh, yeah, Kyoko. Don't think I've ever mentioned her yet. Well, I met her during a mission not a long time ago, and we've been together for a week or so. Well, sort of. It's not what you can call "big love", but we're having fun and I like being with her. She's a babe, intelligent, funny and all but it's too early to know what I really feel about her. All I can say is that I don't feel really complete with her. I'm missing something but I don't know what.

Anyway, I was on my way to take her to the park when I suddenly felt a presence. I stopped and stood still.

"Good afternoon, Ginji-kun"

That voice, sharp and cold. Dr Jackal. I froze. The man still freaks the hell out of me. I turned to him:

"Hello there, Akabane-sama"

"Hanging around without your beloved partner?" he asked casually.

"Err, no… I'm actually on my way to her place and…"

"Oh, please, Ginji-kun," he interrupted, "I wasn't talking about your pretty girlfriend"

I frowned.

"Do you know Midoban decided to work alone?" he said, smiling slyly and apparently studying my reaction. I gulped.

"Wha…"

"Oh, yeah, he told Hven that she could offer him jobs even if you don't show yourself in the Honky Tonk too much these days. Said he didn't need you anyway and that it was actually a good thing you nearly didn't come around anymore, because you were a unbearable cry-baby and most of the time a burden during missions"

I tensed.

"Ban can't have said that!" I screamed and I started to generate electricity.

"I know it hurts to be betrayed like that by someone you think is your best friend, but please, don't get so nervous Ginji-kun, I wouldn't like to have my blood boiled," he said, looking amused.

I tried hard to control myself, to fight against pain and anger. I didn't want to turn into Raitei. Ban-chan always tells me to prevent myself from doing it whenever I can. Ban-chan.

"I tried to stand up for you, to tell him you had the right to take a break and have a little fun, but he wouldn't listen to me. You know how stubborn he can be at times…"

I was speechless and only concentrated on refraining from casting lightning bolts everywhere.

The Jackal put both his hands on my shoulders and this time, I could see his cold eyes looking at mine.

"We could be partners, you know? You'd get back things and I'd deliver them. How exciting would that be? What do you think, Ginji-kun?"

His voice was barely audible and his lips dangerously approached mine. I could feel his soft breath upon my face and see glitters in his usual expressionless eyes.

I pushed him back violently, electricity still spreading all around me.

"Leave me alone, Jackal!"

"Here, here, Ginji-kun, anything you want! But just don't forget about my proposition"

He readjusted his hat, smiled at me and went away.

I finally made my way to Kyoko's but my mind is elsewhere. I'm actually writing all this down while she's watching TV in the other room. I've been quite unpleasant to her. The poor thing, she just wouldn't understand.

Ban-chan. How could he have done that to me? I thought I was his friend. His best friend. Tears of anger and sadness are running down my cheek and I just can't help it. I need to know. I need to ask him. It's nearly 6.00pm. He shouldn't be too hard to find at that time. Honky Tonk probably. I just can't wait any longer!


	5. Chapter 5

**September ****7th.**

Looks like I need to write down my thoughts again. Gee! Am I addicted now? That's pretty scary! Never wrote so much in my entire life!!

Anyway, I was having breakfast at the Honky Tonk this morning when Dr Jackal entered the café. I ignored him but once again, the freak sat next to me.

"That's on me!" He told Paul, pointing at my pancakes.

I cast him an inquisitive look.

"Well, I suppose you're broke, aren't you, Ban-kun?"

I nodded.

"To what do I owe that sudden wave of generosity, Jackal?" I asked suspiciously.

"Well, can't old friends help each other when the other is in need?"

I nearly choked on my hot chocolate. Old friend! Who would want that freak as a friend?

"Talking about money…" he went on, "I've just met Hven and she's offered me a job. Easy one if you ask me. And well paid! Retrieving a stolen photograph. More a job for Get Backers, uh? But seeing as she thought you were both unavailable these days, she asked me instead. You can have the job, if you want."

I raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think Ginji's anywhere to be seen right now" I smirked.

"Who's talking about Ginji? You're strong and wise enough for two. Above all for such an easy job!"

"I never accept missions if Ginji's not there" I mumbled.

"Well, looks like he won't be there for a while," he said slyly. "Don't you need the money?"

Money. Of course I needed it. I always do! And I had to face that Ginji had let me down and that I had to learn to act without him by my side.

"Alright, I'll take the job!" I surrendered.

The Jackal seemed delighted. Strange man.

Easy money indeed. Took me less than two hours to complete the mission. At least I'd be able to afford food tonight, I thought.

It was about 6.OO pm. I made my way back to the Subaru and noticed it hadn't been towed away, for once. But someone was sitting on its bonnet, arms crossed. Blond spiky hair. Ginji. My heart started beating fast but immediately stopped beating when I got closer and found myself face to face with Raitei. I gulped. Not a good sign I decided. I pushed my glasses higher on the bridge of my nose, and took a deep breath, but his mouth opened before I could get the chance to speak a word.

"So it's true, hey?"

At first I didn't know what he was on about but he went on:

"Been working without me?"

All little kindness he had left in his eyes vanished.

How did he know? I was a little confused but decided not to let it show.

"Did you really think I'd have waited for you to come back from shagging your precious girlfriend?" I spat at him. "Did you get off at least?"

I knew that provoking him that way, when Raitei was there, was playing with fire, or should I say, with electricity. But I just didn't care being so foolhardy. I've lost him and nothing does matter to me anymore. Life. Death. All the same.

He was generating huge amounts of electrical energy and was looking at me, coldly. His anger was terrible I could tell. A plasma ball was forming in his hands. So that was it. The end. Only fair, I thought. What's the meaning of my existence now he doesn't belong to it anymore? I closed my eyes and waited.

Nothing happened. The atmosphere was suddenly peaceful again.

I opened my eyes and saw Ginji looking at me with his beautiful chocolate brown eyes which would melt my heart anytime, even though he had just tried to kill me. His eyes were watering and his mouth was trembling. Raitei had gone.

"I… just… can't," he whispered before casting me one last glance and running away.

I don't know what to think about all that. I just don't understand why he makes a big deal of me working without him when he's the one who let me down. Why didn't he kill me? What made him change his mind? He's such a mystery to me, despite all the years we've spent together. Anyway, here's to a long night on my own again…


	6. Chapter 6

**September 7****th ****(continuation)**

Dear Diary,

That's me again. I think I've never felt that bad in my life. What I did less than an hour ago is unforgivable. I will never be able to look at him straight in the eye anymore. Not after what I've nearly done to him. I've nearly tried to kill him. I've nearly tried to kill my best friend. I have no excuse for that. I was right, he hadn't been hard too find. The Subaru was parked in a no-parking zone, a street away from the Honky-Tonk and I just had to wait for him to come back, which didn't take long. I was already angry when he arrived but I was just out of my mind when he confirmed without guilt that he had indeed worked without me. Akabane-sama could have stabbed me right in the heart, it wouldn't have hurt that much. I couldn't control anything anymore. Raitei again… I was ready to kill him. I _wanted_ to kill him. I feel awful just to write this down. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't seen him close his eyes with resignation, not even trying to stop me, just waiting for his death. That made me come back to my senses and all I could do was running away, without even apologizing. Well, I still thought it was his fault somehow, but come to think about it, I realize the fault is entirely mine. Who am I to be angry at him for working without me? Am I not the one who abandoned him in the first place? I feel so guilty and I hate myself for being that stupid! I've just buried my last chance to patch things up with him…

* * *

_Thanks for reading and sorry it took me so long to update!!_


	7. Chapter 7

**September 10****th****.**

Crap day today, for a change.

I hadn't seen Ginji since our brief but intense encounter three days ago, but he was there tonight, at Shido and Madoka's engagement's dinner. With Kyoko, obviously. She had put on a beautiful pale blue kimono and all eyes were on her. Except mine.

I had already seen Ginji in a suit before but I'm always pleasantly surprised by the sweet contrast between his baby face and such manly clothes. He seemed to feel out of his place there, and so did I.

He avoided me all the evening. Our eyes met just once but he looked away with embarrassment and I'd swear I saw him blush slightly. Blame him for being so gorgeous! I just couldn't tear my gaze away from him. And blame my weakness. I shouldn't say that, but right now, I'd give anything for one of his hugs.

To my –great?- surprise, he and Kyoko didn't seem so close. In fact, she seems to be more in love with him than he is with her, but I may be wrong after all. The way she looks at him can't be mistaken. That girl really loves him. Still, both of them looked pretty unhappy tonight, and I could tell their smiles were fake.

Anyway, I already feel ill at ease when surrounded by too many people, but having him sitting in front of me and ignoring me on purpose was a real torture. Each time we had to go to dinners or crowded places, I relied on him to make me feel better by fooling around. He is so sociable. He just has to smile to make everyone love him. The exact opposite of me, in a way.

I wanted to tell him that I missed him a lot and didn't mind what he had done, that I had already forgotten everything –even if it's not true and that it still hurts like hell when I think about it- but I just didn't know how to do it. I'm useless when it comes to expressing feelings. So I just stared at him, trying desperately to catch his attention. I even wished he would steal food from my plate, when it usually annoys me a great deal.

I looked at Madoka and Shido and kinda envied them. Love. Happiness. Will I ever feel the same one day?

I finally went to the garden, sat on a rock and lighted a cigarette. He had glanced at me when I stood up, but pretended not to notice. I was lost in my thoughts when a pleasant perfume made me come back to my senses. Kazuki. He stood in silent by my side a minute before speaking.

"Why have you and Mister Ginji stopped to talk to each other?"

I sighed. I'm sure everyone thinks it's my fault. They have always hated me anyway.

"You should ask him," I sneered, puffing at my cigarette.

"He wouldn't tell any of us. He always avoids the subject. But whatever it is, the two of you just can't keep it that way. I don't care what happened or whose fault it is, all I see is that both of you look sad. Friendship's too precious to waste it like that"

He got a point and I had a lump in my throat but I tried my best to hide it.

"You should go back inside, Jubei's probably looking for you"

I stood up and started to walk away before turning around to him and adding:

"Give my best wishes to Madoka and Shido for me, will you?"

His eyes widened a little and he opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it and nodded.

And here I am again, brooding alone in the Subaru. It's getting cold tonight and my fingers are frozen while writing this down. I think I'll just try and get some sleep. I've wrapped myself in the old blanket we usually share. What is he doing right now? Has he even noticed my absence? My heart hurts so badly I nearly wish he'd killed me three days ago. At least it would have put an end to the chaos my life has become without him.

* * *

_Thanks for reading and sorry it took me so long to update! _


	8. Chapter 8

**September 11th**

Dear Diary,

It's nearly 4.00am and I've just come back from Madoka and Shido's engagement dinner. I am exhausted and my head hurts like hell, but I have to confide something: I finally know what I miss when I am with Kyoko. In a word: Ban. It's deeper than friendship. It's deeper than what I feel for Kyoko. I just can't live without him, it's as plain as day! And yet I only got to realize that a few hours ago. He was sitting in front of me, and we didn't exchange any word during the whole evening. I felt like my heart was being crushed. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for everything, but I still was unable to. He left quite early and I found myself staring blankly at his empty place. Everyone noticed and Kyoko seemed quite ill at ease. Kyoko… I've just dumped her. What a horrible thing to do. I feel awful about it. I gave her the old "It's not you, it's me" line. I never thought I'd do such a cowardly thing one day, but I just couldn't keep on lying to her. Lying to me. Lying to everyone. I don't love her. My heart beats for someone else. I lost that someone else and now I badly need to get him back. Quite a job for a Get Backer, isn't it?

ps. I'm staying at Kazuki and Jubei's place and will do so until I find a solution... Kyoko allowed me to collect my things when I walked her home an hour ago but she said she didn't want to see me again anymore after that...

* * *

_Thanks for reading!_


	9. Chapter 9

**September 11****th****. **

And here I am, writing to "you" again! I'm gonna start thinking I'll run out of ink before I get tired of doing this. This is so creepy!

I was taking a nap under a tree in the park this afternoon when something hit my head and made me wake with a start. An acorn. A squirrel was staring at me from the lowest branch of the tree. "Does it amuse you, you stupid rodent?" I snapped at it, rubbing my sore forehead. I sat up and noticed I was surrounded by all sorts of animals: birds, foxes, does, rabbits… Monkeys??

"What the fuck?!" I screamed.

"No one ever taught you good manners, Snake Bastard?"

The animals made way for a man I immediately recognized.

"Monkey boy! I should have known!" I snapped at him.

"It is very impolite to leave a dinner without even saying goodbye to your hosts!" He went on.

"As if it had saddened you!" I spat. "Don't make me believe you're the one who insisted on my presence at that dinner!"

"Perceptive, aren't we, Mido Ban? Madoka did, and she was a bit disappointed you left without giving a try to her daifukus. So she kept a couple of them and ordered me to bring them to you"

He held out a little box to me.

"No, thanks. You'll thank her for me though"

"Why don't you take them? You haven't eaten anything since yesterday evening, have you?"

"I don't need charity"

"Don't be silly, urchin head! You must be hungry! Not that I'd mourn you if you starved, but Madoka will kill me if you don't take these!"

He was right, I was more than hungry. I hesitantly took the box and helped myself to a daifuku. It was absolutely delicious! Not only Madoka is a violin virtuoso, she also is a very good cooker. Well, at least she had made incredible progress since last time I tasted her cooking. I took another one and noticed from the corner of my eye that the Beast Master's mouth had curled into a smile.

"What are you smiling at, you damn brat?" I snapped between two mouthfuls. "I'm only eating them not to disappoint Madoka-san!"

"Sure," he said, still smiling. His face then became more serious. "Ginji told us about what happened"

I nearly choked on those words but managed to keep an unconcerned look.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I lied.

"Of course you do, you stupid git! Your best friend tried to kill you! You can't just pretend nothing has happened!"

"Bollocks! He didn't even touch me!"

"Well, he said he turned into Raitei. He doesn't remember much about it, but he said he really wanted to kill you". He paused to study my reaction, but I just ignored him, chewing another daifuku. "Should have done it, if you want my opinion," he sneered.

I would have broken his neck for less than that if I didn't actually think he was right. My absence of reaction made him frown.

"What intrigues me most," he went on, "is that you apparently didn't make any move to stop him. Why?"

"None of your business"

"I see. Ginji's really sorry about that, you know?"

"Fine. I don't give a fuck"

_What a lie!! _

"Then I reckon you'll probably not be interested either in knowing he's dumped his girlfriend..."

I tried my best to hide my surprise.

"Why would he do such a stupid thing?"

"And you were the one saying you were more intelligent than any of us? Try and give it a thought!" He smirked before turning to his heels and walking away.

All the animals followed him when he whistled.

Gee! I just can't believe I've retranscribed the whole discussion to "you", I'm such a moron! Never mind, I'm in a good mood tonight! I haven't felt that good for a long time, actually. Maybe all hope is not lost, after all…

* * *

_Thanks for reading! _

_ps. for those of you who don't know, daifukus are delicious japanese glutinous rice cakes stuffed with azuki beans (sweetened red beans) paste, although it can be stuffed with any sweet filling._


End file.
